Turn pain into productivity

We have all heard the infamous “turn pain into power, struggles in strength, and tragedies into triumphs,” but for some that is hard to do. Very easily we can suggest the ideas, but not take heed to the concepts ourselves. I know this because I’ve been there. However, when I conducted a personal inventory, I had to properly address my weaknesses and take accountability. I was seeking a transformation, to be renewed from the very things that broke me down. While it may have seemed as if I was in my own sunken place, I still possessed the capabilities to pull myself out. I did not supply these things for myself, I would later learn that this was The Almighty’s redemptive love. I previously spoken about learning to love yourself and knowing your worth. This is so important during a restoration because those who are nesting in that sunken place with you, will try to manipulate, belittle, and degrade you until there is nothing left of you. This is the time that you set an example and make clear of what you will accept and allow and what you will not. This is when it is important to protect your peace by any means necessary because your energy will be affected. Be real and truthful to yourself and get down on “them” knees and beg to God for strength, courage, and wisdom. However, don’t make him look like a fool because you know what, that’s how much he loves us. Have you ever had that friend who just keeps running back to the same mess and you have to be the shoulder and ear every time, but they still go back and then you’re right there again when it happens….the never ending cycle. That’s how God operates, he loves us despite our faults. He is just waiting for us to finally throw in the towel to say I have had enough so he can take you to places you have only dreamed of. His redemptive love will have you feeling as if you’re in a movie, living out your favorite scenes. It eventually ends up being all apart of his plan, the plan for you to get to know you! “Often it’s the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.” -Karen Salmansohn.

Let the pain produce productivity in all that you do. No need to get angry, fight fire with fire, but let your fire burn differently. Cut off dead-ends and tie loose strings. Move in silence and don’t ever allow your love for someone else to override the love you have for you. In past experiences I have appeared weak, but I have proven to be capable..hence the reason for my happiness now. Beloved, it all will take time, but it first begins with you realizing that you’re in a sunken place and you and only you can pull you through. Sacrifices will have to be made and there will prove to be challenges, however, to be redeemed is invincible. Once you begin exercising your strength, others will try to remind you of a past you or who they assumed you to be, but humbly inform them that you are operating under new authority and you have no business interacting with them. Pain was not caused to not allow something new to be born (Isaiah 66:9). Let your energy speak for itself.

“She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She walked with the Universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings!” -Ariana Dancu

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He completes me?

It’s been a while since I last wrote. However, I admit I was a bit discouraged due to some comments made. Ha, the irony when part of my intentions for writing were to encourage my readers. Not only was I discouraged from some things, but I also didn’t want to come off as if I were constantly preaching. Despite the lack of encouragement I had for myself, I had to remind myself that we can not please everyone. I began writing not only for my readers, but also for myself because it is therapeutic. Individuals have a choice weather or not to read my blogs despite the content. Hence the reason I am back 🙂  so I hope those of you who take the time to read will enjoy…..

For some time now I wanted to write about something, but was unsure of the approach. As always, I was still to move until God placed it on my heart to continue. I wanted to touch on how miraculous God’s creations are, such as ourselves, due to being created in his own image. I wanted to take this idea a step further and connect it with the idea of a woman being created for man. Hear me out for a bit….

As a God-fearing woman, but trust I am not a saint, I learned that much power comes from the tongue so we must be careful of what we say and how we say things. Between my relationship and observing others around me, I thought about how we, as women, can be quick to say “he completes me.” However, one may feel guilty in a sense to acknowledge that when we are taught that God is the only one who completes us. As that is true, I challenge the thought a little bit and here is why…

In the book of Genesis, we are provided insight into our creation. However, as a woman, have you paid close attention to the purpose of your creation? We read that man was created in God’s image (Gen 2:26). However, as a woman created in God’s image, we were created for a man. After all of God’s miraculous works, his works were incomplete because man only represented half of God’s image, half of his heart. Man, needed a helper SUITABLE for him (Gen 4:18). Suitable for him, think about that for a minute, but I’ll continue. So, then God created a woman from THE man’s rib and he BROGUHT HER TO HIM. Did you catch that? No, if you haven’t you will.

The Almighty possess many attributes, those of which we consider to be both masculine and feminine. Hence the reason man (Adam) was just not enough when he was created in his image. It’s evident that The Almighty had intentions on creating his full image. The creation of Eve completed the image. Eve completed Adam (Gen 4:24) and the two become one! From basic math, we all have learned ½ + ½= 1. Your husband is your other half, he does complete you!! So no, we should not feel guilty to say, he completes me.

HOWEVER, ladies be very careful because we are told to seek God in all that we do and to trust in him and he will direct our paths (Proverbs 3:5). Therefore, don’t just think you can find your husband on your own. Eve was brought to Adam! We must remain patient, remain steadfast in God because the devil will play on our weakness. Due to Eve’s sin, God informs us that we will have a great desire for our husband (Gen 4:16) and therefore, we easily fall victim to Mr wrong. Im sure we all have seen that message before, “while waiting for your Boaz, don’t settle for any of his relatives: Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin, Beatinyo-az… Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz.” The truth! Due to our desire, something naturally within us, we can be easily manipulated and fooled when it comes to a man. Acting all silly and arguing with another woman or just simply allowing him to continuously hurt you. Believing that “he may be the one” for you and in time he will change. Thinking that taking care of home and his kids will make a difference. We desire a man so much that we become foolish. Hunnie listen, I’ve had my fair share of experience with this and I’ll be the first to let you know he won’t change and all that your doing will not make a difference. However, once I moved out my own way, prayed and waited on the Almighty, he delivered me to the man suitable for me and it’s a blessing to finally feel God’s love through that man.

I once had a reader reach out to me and said I thought we weren’t supposed to pray for a man/husband. My response to her was, “well why not, you can pray for everything else, but you can’t pray for your husband?” In prayer, we must be very specific. However, don’t pray for Eric to act right and for him to marry you. In general, pray for your husband that God has for you because he already knows who he is because he is suitable for you. In time ask God to prepare you as his wife. I shared a prayer on my Facebook page, that I found, for any woman who can begin praying for her husband, rather she has one or not. https://www.facebook.com/Loveagainruth-1021175947940899/ .

In closing I say this, you can pray for your husband because we know God has someone for who we were created for (how wonderful!), but believe it or not you can’t seek him on your own. That’s where we go wrong. I can personally say I tried without God and it didn’t work, when I allowed God to lead, he brought me to him…..THE MAN, MY MAN……NOT JUST A MAN! We all interpret things differently and again I am not trying to preach anything to you, this was just my two sense. Have a blessed day!

My black and your black is beautiful

“I want a little brother who is yellow and looks like Eddie”-Sy

“I want a little brother who is brown and looks like Mommy”-Sóley

After seeing pictures of their newborn baby boy cousin, my children were in awe and expressed their interest in a baby brother. It was of no surprise to me considering both of my brothers have boys and my girls are always around them. What intrigued me were the descriptions they provided of “him”. They both desired a brother who looked like them. Sy being of lighter skin and Sóley being of darker skin. For quite some time Sóley, who just turned 4, has been expressing her appreciation and admiration of my natural hair. Telling me everyday how beautiful I am and how much she loves my hair. Typically whenever I have my curly fro out. She also shares with me often how she desires for her hair to be styled out in a curly fro. One of her preschool teachers even shared with me how she told her she needed to do something with her hair, suggesting she wear it like mommy’s. I am loving the abundance of cultural appreciation exhibited. The natural hair and my black is beautiful movements have been so empowering. Although, I am not new to the natural movement. I’ve worn my hair in natural styles for quite some time, except I got perms when I really didn’t need too. However, you could find me rocking my curls and braid outs sometimes. See we wanted our hair straight and tammed. Yesterday I wore my hair in a puffy ponytail. If that was back when I was growing up someone would have made the comment such as, ” your going to work like that”. I am loving that my daughters are growing up in a generation that is exhibiting self love for your natural hair and skin. I didn’t have that growing up. Honestly I hated my complextion and my hair when I was younger. The only beauty that was displayed (in which we are still fighting to break the stigma) was light skin and “pretty hair”. I secretly wished that I was light skin since I already had what was considered “pretty hair”. Not only are women empowering each other, but the men are sharing their appreciation as well. Often we can even find other cultures expressing their admiration. My fiancé, who is Caucasian, loves my natural styles. It took me some time to get to this point of complete self love of my outter appearance. As a mother I can only continue to uplift and encourage my daughters to love and appreciate all that they are as individuals. However, exposure helps condition that self love. So thank you to my afrocentric culture for the immense amount of natural hair products (so much I am having trouble finding what works best for all three of us 😂) and the exposure and love for all shades of black. I can now say confidently and be the example for my girls, that my black and your black is beautiful just the way we are.

 

Generational curses

The moment you realize there is a battle that lies deep inside. Rich culture full of tradition, made you proud to be in it. Happy faces and great times until the poison slithers inside. What just happened, we never knew, but promised to always stay true. Hateful slurs and ugly faces began to deteriorate the love which bonded them. Forgetting that the same blood runs through their veins, yet maybe that’s what makes them go insane. God’s love for one another has never been a true reflection. Don’t be yourself or think differently, shame on you because that’s the power they try to use to disintegrate you. If your weak enough the poison will eat you up alive until your insides become a shallow pit of hell fuled by misery, insecurities, hate, and greed. That it will turn you into an egotistical devil planning to concur and divide. Leaving you on a mission to kill, steal,  and destroy any bit of joy or happiness. Don’t let the generational curse consume you. Run and pray to release the holds it tries to have on you. Be the change you wish to see and leave those at the wasteside so you can be free

When reality struck

“I was heart-broken, scared, worried, and felt weak with a lot of anxiety. I had no idea how I was ever going to come up with the strength. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath while praying and weeping. I knew I had to get out of there”

Truth be told the emotions and thoughts running through me reflected the statement above. It’s seems only imaginable that reality existed then, but that’s the joy in looking back to see where God delivered me from. That one morning brought awareness to me for what I thought could never happen to me.

The night before I attended a romance party with my sister and friend. Earlier that day I informed my ex that I was invited and wished to attend. I didn’t get out much because I was always the one home with the kids, but he always went out. So I wanted for one night just to enjoy myself. He of course, all of a sudden, “had plans”. His plan consisted of going to a studio to “play his beats for someone in the industry”. I told him that it wasn’t fair because he waited to the last minute to tell me and I had already made plans and told him first. So I told him I found a sitter for the girls and he needed to find one for his boys. I felt guilty for not finding one for his boys as well, but everything was always on me so I decided it wasn’t my problem. After work I came home, changed, and went to the gathering. He later texted me upset, but I was just trying to enjoy my night. He switched up and tried to play nice to see when I was coming home, but when I got there he wasn’t home. I came home sometime between 10-11pm to my cousin, who lived next door, his daughter,  and my ex’s son. I was texting him to see where he was and for wondering my whereabouts and he wasn’t home. No answers. So I fell asleep to wake up the next morning around 10 with intention to pick up my girls. He was downstairs drunk and playing music. I remembered I needed gas and he had my debit card. I got ready to get the girls and went downstairs to ask for my card and he told me to “get the fuck out his face and don’t say shit to him.” I wasn’t expecting the hostility and didn’t want to argue, after all his son was right in the living room playing his game. He proceeded to talk to me as such and I tried to ignore just to get my card. He wouldn’t give it to me so long story short he followed me upstairs and began yelling at me and got so angry that he threw me on the bed, shook me up, and pressed my head into the bed. I was shocked because this was something new. I’ve taken the mental abuse, but he never done that before. I was afraid of what he may have done next and thanked God his son was there. I left the house hysterical remembering that the bank was right behind my house and to get money out and cancel my card.

I knew I had to get out then, but had no where to go. I was ashamed and embarrassed to return to my brother’s because we had rented a place together and I left him to move with my ex. However I wept and prayed, pleading with God to help me and he assured me he was waiting for me. I eventually ended back at my brother’s.

SN: I remember getting into an argument with an older cousin who found out I was back living with my brother and his girlfriend. He called me a bum and told me to get out of “that woman’s house.” Yet I worked full time, took care of my kids, and owed my vehicle. I said to myself if only he knew I left my own home and belongings, where I paid the bills at the time because my ex didn’t work for 6 months, for the safety and peace for myself and my children. It was only the devil trying to attack me again after I gained some strength.

Proverbs 3:5

Part 2….Dealing with a weak man

I said I would share my experience for a part 2 to dealing with a weak man

Well I laugh recalling the text I saw, which informed me, because clearly I was not informed, that my ex and I were co-existing. Yet, that is what he told this other woman that him and I lived together and were co-existing for the kids.  So one night my spirit was just unsettling and I couldn’t sleep at all. We were going through a rough patch (not surprising and a regular) so he was sleeping on the couch downstairs while I slept upstairs in the room. My friend happened to be up on Facebook and we began chatting. My troubled relationship was nothing new to her because I vented to her daily. I told her something didn’t feel right and I needed to investigate this suspicion I had before I act on my emotions and drive myself insane. She told me about this app that I could download on his phone that would allow me to see all his incoming and outgoing text messages. The app would appear invisible to him unless he went to the app manager, but I would be able to access the information by using a Web site they provided with his number and a password I created. Now the saying goes, don’t go looking for dirt if you’re not prepared to handle what you may find. To be honest if I suspected something then I already knew what I was going to find. I just needed clarification. Also I knew I was ready because I had been praying for some things and remember I mentioned my spirit wouldn’t let me rest. So due to the fact that he was a heavy sleeper, I was able to get his phone and download  the app. I didn’t know his password, which was a finger pattern, but I was so deternined that I followed the grease marks from his fingers on the screen. The next morning at work I logged on the site and at first I saw nothing out of the ordinary so I waited to check later. About 2 hours later, I checked and saw texts which clearly displayed his lack of commitment. I vaguely remember everything I read, but I did remember the text I mentioned in the beginning about us co-existing and one on which he was trying to meet up with her. He was trying to meet up with her on Thursday evening that week and the reason being was because that’s the nights I had training classes for work. That was all I needed to see in order for me to confront him just to see what he would say. I didn’t word things in a way that made it obvious that I “looked” through his phone. Not to mention he would erase texts to make it seem as if I was delusional anyway. So he of course tried to deny and said she was inquiring about a tattoo (he did tatts then). Eventually he couldn’t lie anymore, but tried to blame me for why he began talking to her.

So in this situation I had the girl’s number the whole time and clearly she knew of my existence. I could have contacted her and cursed her out or been ready to fight her, but she was not the problem, he was. I took it straight to the root because after her there would be another and then maybe more.  That was a definite confirmation that I was dealing with a weak man and if I continued, I would continue facing adversity.

 

Dealing with a weak man

I remember when my friend posted a quote meme and it hit home! I’m sure it does with many, but who is woman enough to accept the ugly truth? In today’s society women have been conditioned to believe a good man doesn’t exist. Men aren’t courting nor expressing their continually interest in their mate. I don’t believe it and will not accept nor tolerate that misbelief. Call me naive, but if I went into a relationship with that kind of mindset, then I’m automatically saying I don’t trust my man and if I don’t trust him than why be together?

Unfortunately, many women discover that their mate has been cheating in some form (cheating, I believe, is not just limited to the physical). She is then ready to confront the other woman. The other woman is not the issue. Your man is. Dealing with a weak man will bring adversity to your life. “If your love is not enough to discipline him, than it is misplaced on him!” Believe that if it occurs once,  it is liable to occur again. However,  there is a mature way to go about things if you wish to address the other woman.  Remember, her loyalty isn’t to you. She is not the one who has committed to being in a relationship with you. So to approach her offensively will result in a negative confrontation. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with attempting to hear her side of the story because it will put things into perspective for the both of you, especially if he has been dealing with the both of you for some time. Now what either of you choose to do with this information is up to you to use at your discretion. Rather she will cooperate or tell you the truth, doesn’t matter because she wouldn’t exist in his world had he not allowed it. Dealing with this kind of man should allow you to simply answer the question, who do I love more. …me or him? After dealing with a situation like this, your actions will provide your answer. Most will come to learn they love him more than they do themselves. A man will say/do whatever to keep you satisfied for his convenience. The ball is in your court and no one can do anything to you that you won’t allow. This kind of situation is not easy to deal with,  especially after you have time invested. Don’t ignore the red flags any longer. The decision to love yourself first will be worth it. I know from my own experience, from the outside looking in, I may have looked as if I didn’t move fast enough, but I waited until The Almighty told me to move. Screenshot_2016-03-30-11-13-38-1

I’ll share one of my experiences for a part 2 to this blog.

The love of a family is life’s greatest blessing

In discussion of our 2-year anniversary approaching (April 5th), we mentioned how most couples only pay recognition to their marriage date and forget about the date of when they first met. To us we think it’s important because it was the time that we first met and the time when we began dating, which was the beginning of our relationship. Relationships experience through different levels. The first level laid the foundation for us. We wouldn’t be together had it not. However, one intriguing thing is the fact that it feels like more years that we have actually been together and trust me it is a good thing, not bad. We have gone through a lot together, but have managed to transition very well, regardless of the sacrifices made. I learned how to love myself and to be loved. My Fiancé went from having the bachelor life to a man with a family and different responsibilities. My girl’s went from having their brothers and my youngest daughter’s father around to just us and then mommy’s boyfriend. Through these past two years we have grown as a loving blended family. We do not have the ideal route of becoming a family, but in contemporary society who does. Most families are blended and diverse, yet we are a beautiful representation. Also another key important thing that has been taking place as we have grown as a family, is me completing my bachelor’s degree. I returned back to school in the beginning of mine and Eddie’s relationship. I told him in the beginning that this was a goal I needed to complete and accomplish and that he would have to understand because it comes first. If he didn’t then I guess, we weren’t going to work out. He understood and offered his support. That is exactly what he has done. Been right by my side with every assignment. My personal coach who continued to encourage me, even when I became distressed. He was there to offer inspiration and encouragement. I laugh because every assignment that I expected to result in a low grade, he would always say, “Babe, don’t worry about it, you got this.” In my head I was like, babe whatever you say, I hope so. Don’t you know he was always right and I would be so excited and happy to share my news. He would smile and say, “see I told you beautiful.” Beautiful is my name, I’ve never heard Vannie from his mouth, even if he tries hard to catch my attention its’s never Vannie, but rather babe. I appreciate and love his support. Our relationship has sacrificed a lot due to my goal, but it has remained strong because it was fueled with love, honesty, respect, trust, communication, and support and it all has brought happiness. I can’t wait until we get to spend some real time together. In all honestly we don’t. Sounds like I am lying, but really I am not. Our time consists mostly of him on his phone or watching TV because he knows I’m working on a school assignment and don’t like to be bothered and he respects my wishes. We try to spend time after I have completed it and but by then it is 12am and we end up falling asleep within the next hour. I appreciate you staying up with me hunnie, thank you. Girl’s I appreciate you being patient with mommy. I often lose my cool with you too fast because I am so stressed with other things and you bounce right back to loving me. In a way it has aided in your mannerism and I won’t complain about that. Your school work gets pushed to the side because of mine and we barely get to do all the fun things I thought I would be doing with you as your mom. I can’t wait until we can play Barbies and do stuff like arts and crafts. I can’t wait to take you to the park or just simply outside because I am too afraid to send you out by yourself in this crazy world. Sorry we don’t have a yard and that’s what I’m working towards now girls. It all takes time. Thank you for understanding when mommy is doing homework so you try not to bother me and entertain yourself. I tell myself it’s good for you though because it allows you to use your imagination and that’s what I want you to do. Be A KID!!! For as long as you can. You guys have your whole life to be grown-ups. I do in the meantime; enjoy raising you with Eddie. We are almost done with me accomplishing this goal guys, I just want to thank you my supportive family because you guys have proven your willing to make the sacrifices with me so that what I am aiming to accomplish will be better for us as a whole family.

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This is the reflection of family. It’s a blessing for those of us who have the love and support from our loved ones. It allows us to thrive and aim to reach our fullest potential. If your family has made sacrifices on your behalf be sure to thank them, let them know they are appreciated. Humble yourself to accept the help from those who pray and want the best for you. That’s family and family doesn’t always have to be blood.

I also thank my other extended members of my family for their love and support has aided as well.

A kiss of a promise

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I have found the ONE whom my soul loves-Solomon 3:4

The sincerity of this man’s love is something I have never known before. To be told I never really knew what love was, to my surprise, couldn’t be the closest thing to the truth. The irony, having a man love you more than you love him. My best friend/sister and I acknowledge the beauty in the rarity. I remember feeling as if he was too clingy and even feeling as if he talked a good game, but followed through with a lack of action. Only it was that he actually enjoyed spending time with me and didn’t care to display his affection. Yet, my search for chivalry was blocked by my own commitments. Even until this very day sacrifices are made on behalf of my love. These ares the ways in which I count his love. The way my soul desired to be loved. He has been patient. Patient with my hormonal emotions, patient because of the time away from him, and patient with my girls. He is kind enough to remain humble in possible adverse situations and kind enough to love my children. Kind to cater to my feminism. I’m perfectly flawed in his eyes. Like the Bruno Mars’ lyric, “If perfect’s what youre searching for. Then just stay the same.” As a woman who’s quick to point out her blemishes before he does, that’s the only thing he envies. For me to only have the ability to see myself through his eyes. If only then I would be able to see how beautiful I am in his eyes. How does a woman accept that? At times the compliments seem overwhelming because I don’t know how to respond. It’s only that way because I can’t ever recall being told that from a man I loved. This time the feeling was reciprocal. He is a humble man in character. He is warm to my heart and very unselfish according to his deeds. Everything is done to pleasure my wants/needs. He truly avoids all adversity, not to taint or damage our love. For fear of knowing that anger can cause individuals to diffuse shameful slurs. Forgiveness is a key component to nurture our devotion. Symbolically, The kiss of her hand is the promise of protection and the courtesy of respect he has and will hold for her. In hopes of a lifetime for them to share while he cautiously adores her. For she fears not for their future ahead. Resting assure on The Almighty’s promises. For in him love is displayed and for that it will not fail.